Dear Therapist, Can I Get My Brother to Leave His Wife?

Dear therapist,

My younger brother and I are both 50 years old. He met his wife about 16 years ago, and they got married in 2014. This is her third marriage, my brother’s first. They have a child together, who is 13, and his wife has three other children, each from different previous relationships.

There were problems in their relationship from the very beginning. She accuses him of cheating on her, wanting to cheat on her, looking at and lusting after other women on television, in restaurants, and while walking the dogs. Everything will be fine for a while, and then it all starts again. During this relationship, he gave up his hobbies and lost touch with his longtime friends, and appears to be only allowed to interact with her and her family. I watched my brother go from a healthy and happy man to a shell of his former self.

Every time she gets upset, he has to overcome more obstacles, make bigger gestures, and beat himself up even more until she relents and stops punishing him. He came to my house twice in the last year and stayed because she told him she wanted him to leave. I have constantly stressed to him the importance of seeking professional advice, but he says she refuses to think about it because all the problems come down to him and his (supposed) wandering eye. My brother is a kind, gentle, considerate person, and this hurts him deeply.

I’m afraid my brother is the victim of an abusive marriage and I don’t know how best to support him. I told him repeatedly that he always had a home here and that he could move and stay there as long as he wanted. I also assured him that his daughter would not be the only one in her friend group whose parents decided to separate.

I care about him very much and want him to be healthy, safe and happy. My mom and I are both worried that his wife will end up breaking him to the point where he hurts himself. How can I help him?

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Dear reader,

Your letter paints a troubling picture of your brother’s marriage, so I understand why you are so concerned about his well-being. The situation you describe is truly alarming because it carries with it many of the hallmarks of emotional abuse: constant blaming, isolation from friends and family, the gradual erosion of your brother’s sense of self-worth, and the cyclical nature of conflict and reconciliation, also known as the “cycle.” abuse.”

In this cycle, everything is calm for some time, but not for long. The tension builds and builds until there is an explosion, followed by another period of calm, promise and temporary peace. Each time the price of peace becomes higher. Your brother must make big gestures, make big sacrifices, diminish himself even more. It’s painful to watch, especially when it comes to someone you love.

It is obvious that you care deeply about your brother, and your desire to help him end this suffering comes from a place of love and compassion. But I want to tell you something that may be hard to hear: you cannot save your brother from this relationship.

However, this does not mean that you are powerless to help – far from it. But it does mean you need to rethink the way you think about your role. Once you accept that no matter how much you want to save him, your brother is the only one who can decide to change his situation, you will be able to support him much more effectively.

Read: The longest relationship of our lives

So what is your role? First, you need to better understand his situation in order to assess what he is facing. Start by getting to know his background so you can understand why he behaves in ways that seem puzzling to you, such as his tolerance of his wife’s behavior and repeatedly asking for forgiveness for crimes he didn’t commit. You may think that what he should do is obvious: he is in an unhealthy relationship and he should leave. But keep in mind that abusive relationships often create a distorted reality for the person being abused. Your brother has probably internalized many of his wife’s criticisms and may believe that he is truly to blame for the problems in their marriage. This distorted view makes it incredibly difficult for victims to leave.

Think of it this way: your brother and his wife are caught up in a dance where the music of their relationship becomes a monotonous dirge of accusations and defenses. The actions are as follows: his wife is constantly looking for evidence of infidelity. Every glance becomes a crime; every interaction becomes a violation. What about your brother? He hears the music of confusion, self-doubt, shame. So he does his part of the dance: constantly trying (and failing) to prove his innocence. Unfortunately for him, he is trying to prove the opposite – how can you show someone the absence of something? How do you demonstrate loyalty to someone who has decided that you are unfaithful?

What makes this dance difficult for you to watch is that the qualities that you admire in your brother and that would make him a great partner for another person – his kindness, his consideration, his gentleness – have become the very things that his partner uses to manipulate . to him. The more he adapts, the more his wife demands from him.

You’re saying that this dynamic has been present since the beginning of their relationship, so instead of trying to convince your brother that his partner is mistreating him, you can become interested in (and help him become interested in) what led him to this partnership in the future. first place. Apparently, she came into this relationship with a history of relationship instability: three children from three different relationships, and then he had a fourth child. If she didn’t deal with the issues that led to the end of that relationship, she entered her current relationship with a suitcase full of previous betrayals (perceived or real), fears of abandonment, and unhealthy communication patterns. But instead of unpacking this suitcase, she handed it to your brother and said: “You carry it. You are responsible for all this.”

Read: Therapy for Couples, But for Siblings

At the same time, your brother entered into this relationship with his suitcase. You say he and his wife dated for six years before getting married, and even after they had a child, they waited another three years before getting married. I wonder if there was a part of him that doubted whether he wanted to be in this relationship, and another part that preferred the certainty of suffering to the suffering of uncertainty. What in his own history led him to make this choice: to confuse controlling behavior with obvious necessity, or to decide that in the relationship he was in – with all its great instability – it was “safer” to stay than to leave, so he could find something more?

Another way to support him is to encourage his curiosity. Your instinct may be to focus on his wife’s behavior, but a more helpful role is to provide him with a safe space to explore his own. Instead of saying, “Your wife is abusive and you need to leave,” you might try, “I noticed that you seem unhappy this week. How are you feeling at home? You can also gently challenge the narrative he has internalized. When he blames himself for his problems, you can say something like, “That’s not like the brother I know. The person I know is kind and loyal. I wonder if there is another way to look at this situation?

Whenever possible, you can ask questions (not all at the same time) that will help him think: “Have you ever felt lonely?” “Have you seen so-and-so lately?” “Are you missing doing (insert favorite activity)?” “What would be different if you weren’t worried about her reaction?” After another fight ends up with him at your house, instead of suggesting couples therapy, you can say, “It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist on your own, at least for one session.” If he’s worried about his daughter, you can ask, again with gentle curiosity, “What do you think she’ll learn about self-esteem or love relationships from watching you two stay together?” He may not be able to answer these questions out loud, but you can help him begin to think of an alternative version of the one he carries with him. Just as important, you don’t try to control him with what you want him to do and think like his wife does – you allow him to go within and access his own thoughts, feelings and desires that This is a crucial step in a process that involves questioning, awareness and finally, if he chooses, action.

As you open up this space for him, remember that just as your brother is too focused on his wife’s unhappiness, you don’t want to be too focused on his unhappiness. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally draining and should not come at the expense of seeking support (such as therapy) for yourself. Your brother is lucky to have such a caring brother, but if you want to create healthy boundaries in your relationship, make sure you take good care of yourself too.

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Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only and is not medical advice and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By sending an email, you agree to allow Atlantic use it – in part or in whole – and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.