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I teach my child to say no to hugs, but my mother continues to ignore it.

Posted on by L. Dreeye
I teach my child to say no to hugs, but my mother continues to ignore it.

Comforting hugs of a little girl and her grandmother

Teaching children bodily autonomy and consent is vital for future relationships (Photo: Getty Images)

Parenting is very personal. And the truth is that no matter what choice you make, other people – especially close family members – will likely have their own opinions.

But while it’s easy to brush off judgment, it’s much harder to deal with someone who completely undermines your efforts to do what you think is best for you kids.

That’s exactly what happened to one parent who wrote about her ordeal on Netmums.

Despite making conscious efforts to teach her three-year-old daughter boundaries, consent and bodily autonomy, the mom continued to face challenges—namely with her own mother.

“I’m trying to start teaching her that her body herand she can refuse hugs, kisses, etc. if she wants, but my mom makes it impossible,” she wrote.

“She helps me a lot with childcare, for which I am very grateful. But I’ve noticed that when (my daughter) refuses a kiss or a hug, my mom always says something like “don’t be stupid, of course you can hug your nanny” and just kisses anyway. ‘

Although the poster tried to talk about the issue, her mom called it “ridiculous” and stated that “family should always hug.” And while many commenters on the thread supported her, others agreed with the grandmother.

‘Your Mother not a stranger,” one user responded. “She knows best and would never hurt your daughter.”

And it seems that a child’s right to consent in these scenarios is indeed a highly controversial topic.


Why should we teach children about consent?

Teaching consent often looks like giving your child a choice about whether or not to kiss or hug a relative, listening to them when they say no, and paying attention to their body language if they don’t outwardly express that they don’t want to hug. .

This can also look like giving them a choice: a hug, a high five, a fist bump, or, of course, nothing.

“It’s about developing respectful and trusting relationships from a very early age,” says Dr Dan O’Hara, educational psychologist and Fellow of the British Psychological Society. “This is a template for the future – there is nothing wrong with young children learning that they have a voice; that their body belongs to them. This is an opportunity to teach lessons that will last a lifetime.”

According to an NSPCC spokesman Metro: “It is important to promote understanding of consent from an early age so that young people can enter relationships knowing how to keep themselves safe and able to recognize the signs of abuse.

“Young people need to feel confident that they have safe adults to talk to about their sexual experiences, and feel equipped to recognize abuse.

“Young people who don’t feel this way may be vulnerable to violence or unhealthy relationships.”

Why is consent so controversial?

Parenting expert and mom of two, Lauren O’Carroll teaches her kids about consent so they learn about healthy relationships as they grow up. However, like the poster above, she faced some problems due to her family members following her example.

“Because my kids are especially sensitive and ‘shy,’ we start by modeling boundary setting, essentially being their voice and saying words that we know they will one day find for themselves,” she says. Metro.

“(But) for some family members, we had to explicitly remind them several times, especially about tickling.”

The main problem, she says, is that it can be seen as a modern idea rather than in a positive sense.

As boundary-setting psychotherapist Charlotte Bailey explains, teaching children about consent in this context can challenge long-held beliefs about family dynamics and attachment.

She tells Metro: “For generations, physical affection has been seen as a given in families—a way to express love and connection. Asking for consent can be perceived as a threat to this “norm” and can create feelings of rejection or uncertainty in adults who expect affection as a form of confirmation.

“Additionally, many people have been raised to conform to social expectations and may unknowingly pass on the same people-pleasing behaviors they were taught without realizing the potential harm.”

It may also be that adults don’t want to feel like they’re being accused of doing something wrong—after all, physical touch is natural and important to a child’s development.

However, Dr O’Hara says adults shouldn’t take it personally if a child doesn’t want to give them a kiss or hug.

“A child not wanting to hug you is not some kind of personal insult,” he says. Metro.

“They may just be feeling a little sick or a little out of sorts or they just don’t want to, and I think a child learning that they have autonomy and can decide what happens to them is more important than an adult a person feeling irrationally sad about it. they will not embrace them.”

high five

High-fives can be a good alternative to more traditional forms of affection (Photo: Getty Images)

How to Set Boundaries with Family Members About Your Child’s Right to Consent

It is important to be clear and direct with family members about how you are choosing to raise your child and why.

“Have an open conversation where you explain why you are teaching your child about consent, frame it as something positive; that it helps your child gain confidence and empowers them to set boundaries in the future,” says Charlotte.

“Reassure them that this is not about giving up affection or anything personal about the people in question.”

It’s also a good idea to offer other alternatives to traditional forms of affection, such as high-fives or a verbal “I love you,” if your child doesn’t want a hug or kiss on a certain day.

Charlotte continues: “Make sure to set expectations up front so everyone knows what to do in the moment. If a family member forgets or crosses the line, you can gently remind them by saying something like, “Let’s ask her first if she’s okay with a hug.”

Finally, be sure to advocate for your child in front of him, even if it is inconvenient.

“When (your child) sees you asserting their boundaries, they understand that their voice matters and that it’s okay to say no,” Charlotte adds.

“It shows them that their comfort and safety comes first, even if it means disappointing others. Not only does this validate their feelings, but it also reaffirms that they are allowed to set boundaries in all relationships, which is an important life skill.”

The more you do this, the easier it will become – for you, your child and those around you. It’s all about consistency.

“Was it uncomfortable the first time?” Of course,” says Lauren. “But every time I do it, my confidence grows.”

Highlighting the reasons for any potentially awkward moments, the mum also adds: “It’s much easier to protect someone else than yourself, and it’s important that our children see us do this with confidence so they can follow our lead.”

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