Uncles don’t celebrate their niece’s birthday, but want gifts for their children

One of my brothers just sent out a request for a video game birthday gift for his 9 year old son. I’m happy to give a gift to my nephew, but also a little annoyed that it isn’t reciprocated. We welcome your advice.

NO GIFT

A. Send a gift, but have a separate conversation with your brothers about what the gifts mean to your daughter and how the lack of recognition made her and you feel.

A gift exchange between niece and nephew doesn’t have to be tit-for-tat, but it’s important to let your brothers know that you’re not feeling the family connection you want. If you like, offer to send them reminders or lists of gift requests for your daughter’s sake. This may not be deliberate neglect; they may simply not be able to cope with birthdays.

TO. I’m gay and a father. Recently my 16 year old’s phone was connected to the car display and I noticed from the notification that he changed his phone contact for me from “Dad” to my real name and changed my husband’s name to “Dad”. My feelings are hurt.

Am I overreacting or should I discuss this with my son? I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened to cause this change.

THERE USED TO BE A DADDY

A. I understand why this bothers you. Your relationship with your child will likely continue to change and develop as he or she gets older. And I imagine that at various points in your life there were people who questioned the legitimacy of your family structure. But you know the truth: you are the father of your child, and you always will be.

So what’s going on with him? Probably nothing. Maybe he finds it funny that when his father calls, his full government name pops up on the screen. Perhaps he is experimenting with becoming more mature and testing out new terminology. Our phones are where we store the weird insides of our brains, and it doesn’t always make sense to the outside eye.

I’m curious what he calls you when he talks to you. Are you still a dad? Or has that changed too? I think this is the best measure.

But the best indicator of the strength of your relationship is your actual relationship. Try to put off the pain; I chalk it up to teenage capriciousness. Mention it to him in passing if you’re nervous it means something more. “I see you changed my name in your phone. Is there any story? If he gives the teenager’s textbook answer: “Nothing” (or its cousin: a shrug), let it be that way.

TO. My brother-in-law is coming to visit. He likes to drink very expensive alcohol. As a host, how much should I provide? It can easily polish an entire bottle in one night. He comes for a week.

My husband and I drink a glass of cheap red wine from time to time. I struggle to be a good housekeeper and spend my grocery budget.

TREATMENT HOST

A. Shouldn’t your brother-in-law, being a guest, bring you a fancy bottle of his favorite liquor as a thank you, and not the other way around?

At best, you can buy one of his favorite bottles as a sign of hospitality. But guests should not come with contract riders. If you don’t have what he needs, he’s capable of filling the bar himself. Sometimes, to feel at home during a visit, you need to ask the owner for directions to the liquor store.

TO. I read a letter from the Unchanging Channel about a widowed parent who only wants to watch TV and not socialize. From the perspective of someone who was widowed eight years ago after 43 years of marriage, I would tell the kids not to worry.

They should know that at every doctor’s appointment we seniors go to, we are asked mandatory Medicare questions designed to screen for depression and overindulgence (even at the dermatologist). Children should ensure that their mother visits a GP at least once a year to monitor her health; this can go a long way towards their peace of mind.

ENJOY LIFE

A. Thank you for highlighting the importance of regular health monitoring with your primary care physician and specialists.

R. Eric Thomas can be reached at: [email protected].