Before prescribing couples therapy, a psychologist advises asking yourself these 5 questions

For many couples, the idea of bringing a third party into their intimate relationship is scary—or simply out of the question.

Fortunately, the stigma associated with couples therapy and counseling is slowly fading. Healthy couples turn to professional counselors to help them cope with difficult moments in their marriage, big and small, and feel better for it.

However, getting started can be difficult. So here are tips to help you decide if marriage therapy is right for you, how to talk about it with your partner, make the most of your experience, and make sure it works when you get there.

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself before scheduling couples therapy, says a psychologist:

1. When is it time to seek help from a specialist?

Some people turn to a professional when their pain is too much to handle, or when facing their current reality (and situation) is too overwhelming. Others may seek therapy when they begin to notice negative patterns in their marriage.

Marriage therapy can take many forms and offers a way to break patterns, make changes and find something new in life, as described in the study A history of professional marriage and family therapy.

It is wise to seek help and guidance from a professional when you cannot find solutions to problems you have, questions you ask, or when a goal you are trying to achieve in your marriage is not being achieved despite your best efforts. efforts. If you’ve been achieving your goal for six months or more and still aren’t seeing the progress you want, be sure to seek help.

2. We need therapy, but how can I involve my partner in it?

She leans her forehead against his cheek, and he expresses nothing. Shurkin Son via Shutterstock

It is not uncommon for one spouse to be more interested or motivated to seek couples counseling. One way to begin therapy, especially if you have been seeing an individual counselor, is to tell your partner that their participation would be helpful (i.e., offer the therapist a different perspective).

Warning: If you have been dating someone individually for several months or longer, you may find that your partner is reluctant or even afraid to see your therapist. If so, give them the task of finding someone they like so you can both see them.

Another way to talk to your spouse is to tell them that you want to make the relationship more positive. Of course, we all have complaints and negative aspects in relationships, but the study Journal of Clinical Psychology shows that it is easier to increase the positive than to decrease the negative (although a good therapist will help you do both!).

Instead of focusing on negative behavior (“We need therapy because you’re doing everything wrong!”), focus on hoping for positivity (“I want to laugh and have more fun with you…and therapy can help us do that.”) How can your partner argue with this?

Here are four tips for talking to your partner about going to counseling:

In a serious, calm voice, without interruptions, clearly describe your feelings. Briefly review what you have already tried to “fix” in the relationship. Explain that your next (and perhaps last) attempt is to ask for help.
Don’t blame or yell.
Keep it brief. Don’t go on and on and sit for hours going over the same stories and feelings.
Do your research and keep the names of therapists handy.

3. Where can we find a therapist or coach?

There are several ways to find a compatible relationship specialist:

Ask family members and friends who you know may have worked with someone.
Ask your OB/GYN or primary care doctor.
Find someone online. When you search online, you are given the opportunity to read profiles of professionals and “get a feel” for whether you resonate with their approach to therapy.
Additionally, you can seek spiritual guidance in any way that suits you.

4. How do we know if a consultant is right for us?

Most therapists offer a free telephone consultation. Take advantage of this. This allows you to talk to them and find out if they specialize in your problem.

Someone once told me that she made an appointment because she liked the sound of my voice. Trust your instincts. When you’re ready, contact one or two. See if they offer an initial consultation, during which you can consider the following:

Do you and your partner feel understood?
Do you feel a connection with this professional?
Has this person been able to help others in similar situations or needs?
How does your partner feel about this person?
Do you feel that this person is honest and impartial in the sense that he can understand both of you, your views and needs in the relationship, without taking sides with either of you?
Can you imagine trusting them with your soft spots, questions, doubts and fears in your relationship?

The answers to these questions are clues that you have found the right professional to work with.

5. How do we know if couples counseling is helping us?

Happy couple smiling while talking to therapist Zamrznati Tonovi via Shutterstock

Once you have started couples therapy, make sure you are both comfortable with the therapist. Be honest, even when it’s difficult. The office should feel safe and professional. Example of long-term couples counseling in Frontiers in Psychology encourages you to feel confident that the therapist is engaged, focused, and offering meaningful feedback.

If you don’t like your therapist, you might want to look for a better partner. A professional therapist should let you know if therapy is not helping, whether separation or divorce should be considered, whether you are motivated enough to reconcile, or whether you have individual issues that need to be addressed first.

Trust your intuition! If you have a therapist who allows you to yell at each other during a session, this is not conducive to feeling safe (with your partner or therapist).

Therapy works when you have permission to “create space” for alternative ways of interacting, reconnecting and changing, and when it offers you communication tools and coping skills, as shown in the Gottman Institute study. Marriage Survival Kit. If you’re going to your therapist’s office to do the same thing you do at home, it’s time to try a new therapist.

If one or both of you feel that the professional has sided with one of you and is no longer balanced, report it immediately and move on if necessary.

Additionally, sometimes the time to develop and heal a relationship is not the same for both people in the relationship, and while it is sometimes wise to move from a professional to help a couple, the same professional may be a great fit for one of them. you are individual.

One-on-one help from a professional can be a huge help in transforming your relationships and will go a long way in helping you create a happy, prosperous relationship and marriage.

Anne Crowley is a licensed psychologist with over 15 years of experience working with adolescents, adults and couples in a variety of settings.

Laurie Adelson is a psychotherapist who works with adults and children with mood disorders, personality disorders, grief and more.

Debra Gordy is a former psychotherapist who has been working in the field of energy psychology for over 30 years.

Before prescribing couples therapy, a psychologist advises asking yourself these 5 questions | Anne Crowley