Australia in Monarchists Anonymous. Can you kick King Charles?

Hello everyone, let’s get started. We have a new member here today, so let’s give Monarchists Anonymous a warm welcome to Australia. You can take that empty seat where our friend Barbados used to sit, right between New Zealand and Canada.

We are pleased, but not at all surprised, to see you here with us today, Australia, and we want to recognize that you have taken that difficult first step by admitting that you are fighting the abuses of the monarchy. It is important that you know that everyone here understands that this is the most difficult step.

Many of us may work on this step many times. Some of us have to return to this first step after a relapse, while others revisit it periodically to remind themselves that they will always be powerless against the British royal family and need to use different tools and strategies to remain free of the monarchy.

The first step is mostly about honesty. Many of us in this room have a long history of hurting innocent bystanders while we were intoxicated. From the form you filled out in Australia, I understand that you have about 236 years of experience under your belt, and as many as 190 of those you say you cannot remember. Look, we’re connected. Am I right, Canada?

But it is only through the cleansing light of complete honesty that we can make meaningful change. Frankly, Australia, after last week we thought it might be too early for you to attend this meeting. We didn’t think you were sober enough to meet the group, but when your sponsor, Ireland, made a personal request, we decided we could meet you where you were, in whatever state you were in.

I would be remiss if I didn’t remind everyone present that while this meeting is private, none of us are anonymous outside of this room and Australia, your reputation doesn’t benefit you so much as it knocks down the damn doors.

We get it. When you are under the influence, time is not subject to normal restrictions. The old “who said what and killed who” lines get a little unclear.

Everyone here knows what it’s like: you don’t think you’re going to relapse, you tell yourself it’s okay to do at least one little royal tour, and then suddenly 2024 comes and you wake up to find yourself sitting next to the king in an unnaturally large chair after he refused to meet… now let me get this right… an indigenous female politician from the oldest continuous civilization on earth. Happens all the time.

And after this woman begins to express her concern that the king has never apologized for his men killing her people and strangely keeping their bones, she is interrupted by bouncers and a string quartet that plays louder than any Oscar orchestra. cutting off Matthew McConaughey. . And they were loud.

Yes, if you think about it, it really does sound a lot like a fever dream. But it’s not over yet, is it? Because unlike 236 years ago, news travels a little faster and you had to speak out while under the influence.

Which was unfortunate. Because all the royal horses and all the royal journalists have left for the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting, leaving you to try and put together a decent sound bite. Again.

And for a week now, journalists from around the world, on the left and on the far right, have repeatedly called an indigenous politician approaching the king with her problems an “explosion,” as if she were a tire.

And then you went straight to Australia, so far down that in February of this year you could have locked eyes with our soul brother Barnaby Joyce. You said the woman was “disrespectful” and did not live up to the standards Australians “rightly expect of parliamentarians”.

Now that’s a longbow in the glass house, Australia, you’ll need a lot more Blu Tack to hang all those double standards on your pool room wall. And in general, it’s difficult to conduct a meaningful trial given the standards set by other senators, so perhaps now is not the best time to invite everyone to a contrast and compare the competition?

Everyone in this room knows that we don’t make the best decisions when we have a lot of our own inventory. And being caught in the middle of an international pearl-clutching shitstorm is pure nightmare fuel.

But you could weather this shit storm in Australia. After a long week, you might say, “I am concerned that our head of state has allegedly failed to respond to repeated written requests for a civil conversation to discuss issues raised by one of our senators, and will be following up.” Because it would be nice to acknowledge the concerns of your people rather than rushing to Nepo-Baby Three’s side with a poultice of Pimms when things get a little tough.

Yes, we know that you used to be a DJ in Australia and thought you could handle it on your own. Next you tell me what your favorite movie is brave heart.

Oh.

Let’s get back on track and remember the first step, Australia: honesty. Be honest with us.

Do you really want to continue like this? We know what it’s like to not know how to stop, and to worry that colonization and stupid Commonwealth Games uniforms are all you have in common with your friends.

As you said yourself, Australia, you believe in “reform that holds no one back, progress that leaves no one behind.” A stronger, fairer and more prosperous future – built right here in Australia.”

Now boil the lightning, Samoa, okay? I think we all deserve a cup of tea.

No, in Australia we definitely don’t have English Breakfast tea.

Is it time for Australia to give up its royal habit? Let us know your thoughts by emailing [email protected]. Please include your full name to be considered for publication. We reserve the right to edit text for length and clarity.