Anya says having a baby was the “stupidest” decision she’s ever made

On the night before her daughter’s first birthday, Anya (not her real name) felt a wave of emotions wash over her.

“I loved being a parent, and then… I just felt this terrible grief. It was like her first birthday made it real… (that) it was forever,” she told The Feed, remembering when she was 25.

“I lived alone, looking after a child, and it felt incredibly lonely and isolated when those screams in the night happen… and you’re the only one there.”

Having been a single parent since her pregnancy, Anya couldn’t understand how much of an impact her daughter would have on her life, especially when her daughter began to experience depression, which she often expressed through anger.

Eventually, Anya stopped working to care for her and soon found herself in debt, socially isolated and dealing with her own mental health issues.

“I love my daughter – I think she’s an amazing person. She brought a lot of meaning to my life, a lot of joy, but it was also the stupidest decision I’ve ever made,” she said.

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

Part of Anya’s regret about becoming a parent stems from the loss of freedom and opportunity that is made more difficult by raising a child alone.

“(Without my daughter) my financial situation would be better. It would be much easier for me to buy a house. I wouldn’t have such big debts. I could travel.

“I could have other relationships that weren’t available to me.”

“Teared my life apart”

After Chris (not his real name) gave birth to his baby during the COVID-19 lockdown, his world fell apart.

His partner lost her job as a personal trainer, so he took on the full-time role of breadwinner, and the couple fell into postpartum depression.

Their child, now three years old, has autism.

A mother cuddles a sad-looking boy with her eyes closed in her home.

Experts say parents feel social pressure to be the “perfect parent,” which can lead to burnout and feelings of regret. Source: Getty / Skyneshare

“I had a completely burned out partner who couldn’t do anything, and then I had to come home and cook dinner and clean and everything else,” he said.

Chris said parenthood had taken an insurmountable toll on the couple and robbed them of any joy in their relationship. They no longer had sex or did activities they enjoyed together, such as attending pop culture festivals and cosplaying.

After years of fighting and therapy, they broke up.

“The day after my wife left, she took him (my child). It broke my heart… it ruined my life,” Chris said.

“Being away from him is actually the worst part of it all… he’s my blood, he’s part of me.”

“Unspeakable” thing

A Reddit forum called “regretfulparents,” where parents openly share their feelings about parental regret, has grown from 400 members in 2019 to about 141,000 users today.

TikTok creator Kelly Daring has also raised awareness of the topic by sharing anonymous stories of people’s parenting regrets, which have racked up hundreds of thousands of views.

Although data on parental regret in Australia is limited, a 2021 peer-reviewed study published by the Center for Research in Personality Development at SWPS University in Poland found that up to 13 percent of Polish parents are in the emerging and middle adulthood age group. regretted parenthood.

Another 2021 report from research firm YouGov surveyed 1,249 British parents and found that one in 12 regretted becoming a parent.

Dr Imogen Smith is a clinical psychologist and researcher at the Cairnmillar Institute, which offers counseling and training in mental health., said that while there aren’t many taboo topics in 2024, parental regret remains an “unspeakable” thing for many.

“People are fine joking… (but) when the conversation gets serious, most people find it difficult not only to speak, but also to hear and listen.”

What causes parental regret?

According to Smith, in most cases, parental regret is not related to the child, but to the experience of raising him.

Social pressure to be the “perfect parent” can lead to exhaustion, burnout, feelings of entrapment, negative self-image and ultimately, regret, she added.

A difficult financial situation and a single parent can aggravate the situation.

“Parental regret relates to difficulties in living and identifying with parenting ideals.”

She said the need to be a “kangaroo parent” (maximum skin-to-skin contact with your baby) rather than a “helicopter parent” (over-involved), as well as conflicting advice, is causing people to question themselves.

“Now more than ever, people feel like they need to be good parents, and first-time dads probably feel like they need to be very connected and affectionate.

“I think messaging is part of the problem for people. They say, “Tell me how to do it. Where is the book?

“A lot of people are crying out for help.”

The Curse of the Modern Parent

Smith said most women today have to work full-time after having a baby, which essentially means they’re working two full-time jobs.

“The role of a mother has historically, for better or worse, been in the home. So she had a very clear definition and very clear expectations for her.

A mother prepares dinner with her two little daughters, and the younger one cries.

Parental regret is directly linked to poor mental health and those experiencing it are encouraged to speak out. Source: Getty / Trevor Williams

“I think right now women are still trying to redefine what it means to be a mom and to be someone who works or studies… (who) has their own life.”

Sydney-based psychologist Sian Human agrees, saying parents can find it difficult to balance parenthood and careers, leaving them feeling inadequate.

“There is this constant feeling that you are never doing a 100 percent good job in any area. And that can lead to feelings of guilt… and that’s really hard to deal with.”

Some people don’t enjoy being parents as much as others, and that’s okay.

People experiencing parental regret are encouraged to seek help.

“Parental regret is not something to be ashamed of,” Human said, adding that she now sees more parents experiencing parenting problems than before.

“More people are coming forward and expressing burnout and the impact (of parenting) on themselves and (on) their parenting or couple relationships,” she said.

How to help someone who regrets their parents

Friends should also listen without judgment if they can, Smith added.

“Avoid shock and outrage. Just stay calm, be curious and listen to their experiences because I don’t think they have the opportunity to be honest about it very often.

“If you don’t think you can hold the space for them, encourage them to talk to a professional who can.”

Human advised people to avoid social pressure that might pressure them to have children before they are ready.

“If you’re not sure if you want to have a baby, go and talk to someone about it.”

Living with shame

The relationship between Anya, now 44, and her daughter, now 18, has improved.

But Anya still experiences parental regret.

Her daughter continues to rely on her and – due to the cost of living – cannot afford to move.

“It feels like this will go on forever – that she will remain dependent on me, even though I thought I would get my life back.”

However, Anya now understands that her feelings for her daughter were not abnormal or “shameful”; that feelings for children can be complicated.

“As (her psychologist) put it, ‘You can love your child more than anyone else in the world, and do anything for him, and hate him at the same time.’

“I feel relieved to be able to say this.”

Readers in need of crisis support can call the Helpline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Callback Line on 1300 659 467 and the Children’s Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for young people under 25).

For more information and support on mental health, visit beyondblue.org.au and call 1300 22 4636.

The Embrace Multicultural Mental Health program supports people from different cultures and languages.

Family Relations Consultation Line:

1800 050 321, Monday-Friday, 8:00-20:00; Saturday (except public holidays) from 10:00 to 16:00.