11 things to say to a relative whose politics you hate

AAt this point in the election season, you may be just as interested in voting for your outspoken family uncle as you are in voting for the next President of the United States. Different political views can drive family members apart, leaving everyone feeling like they’re walking on eggshells in the lead-up to November 5th.

“People are feeling a lot of stress knowing that everyone is feeling stressed because of this,” says Jenna Glover, chief clinical officer of mental health app Headspace. “Some people have actually lost relationships and it’s important to recognize how that impacts our mental health.”

With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to say to a relative whose politics you despise to preserve (or restore) family peace.

“I won’t talk about politics today.”

You know what they say: never talk about religion, politics or money in mixed company. Experts agree that setting clear boundaries is one of the most effective ways to proactively quell disagreements. Make your intentions clear in advance: Before throwing your child’s birthday party or going to a Halloween costume party, reach out to family members and set some rules, says Bradford Stookey, a psychotherapist in Provo, Utah. “Offer a political-free area for the meeting,” he advises. Emphasize that you want to focus on the kids or the upcoming holidays, and ask for a commitment to avoid polarizing topics. If the conversation still turns in that direction, end it with “Okay, enough of that” or “That’s not what we’re talking about here today.”

Read more: How to set boundaries with relatives, according to family therapists

“Can you tell me a story that will help me understand how you came to believe it?”

If you’re sitting at the kitchen table with a family member and they say something contrary to what you believe politically, take a breath and engage your curiosity. Then ask them to tell you about the personal experiences that shaped their perspective. “Our most controversial conversations often involve back-and-forth talking points out of context,” says Jill DeTemple, professor and chair of the religious studies department at Southern Methodist University in Dallas and an associate at Essential Partners, a nonprofit that helps people build relationships. through differences.

Asking for the story behind someone’s beliefs can help us remember that our family members are complex and that their ideas may come from sources we know, even if we don’t share them. “I may deeply disagree with my uncle about guns, but his story about his sense of accomplishment and belonging after he fired his grandfather’s rifle for the first time will help me remember how kind he was to me as a child.” – she says. DeTemple recommends asking yourself, “Am I having dinner with my family because I want to convince everyone to think like me, or because I want to remind them that I am part of something bigger?”

“If I had only heard what was on your news feed, I’m sure I would have thought the same thing, but I’ve had a different experience in my life.”

This approach resonates with Nilyn Parker, executive director of Common Ground USA, a peacebuilding organization. She sees it as a gentle reminder that even the most compelling news “doesn’t apply equally to everyone’s lives.” It can also be a useful way to remind people that the most informed and sincerely held opinions are often based on lived experience, Parker says. This can open the door to conversations that focus on seeking mutual understanding.

“What compromise or solution can work for both sides?”

Make it a habit to look for common ground in politically charged conversations, Glover advises. One way to do this is to bring up the topic of potential compromises or solutions, which will help you and Cousin Bob come together rather than focusing on how different your views are. Discuss how you both would solve an economic or health care issue that you care deeply about. As Glover says, “How do we work to find a solution that is inclusive and beneficial for the most people?” These brainstorming sessions help people feel like they’re on the same team and are more productive than fighting, she says.

Read more: 11 Words to Say to Convince Someone to Vote

“Tell me more.”

It may seem counter-intuitive, but Parker likes this tactic because if you can convince someone that you really want to hear their point of view, they will usually move from ranting to conversation. “This can make people reconsider their most inflammatory comments, and sometimes even make them want to hear more from you about your beliefs,” she says. So the next time your brother starts criticizing your favorite candidate, ask him to tell you more about where he comes from, and you might be surprised how quickly the temperature in the room drops.

“May I have permission to share my point of view?”

It’s okay to share your point of view with people on the opposite side of the political spectrum, but Glover likes to start conversations by asking permission. This is a technique commonly used in counseling called “ask-give-elicit”: first, you elicit the other person’s point of view; then you offer your own point of view; and finally, you ask the other person about their reaction. “The other person has actively said, ‘Yes, I want to hear,’ and that puts them in a different state of openness,” she says. “And, of course, if they say no, then it will be useful for you to know that. Why waste time on someone who isn’t going to listen?” However, in the 20 years she used this strategy, there was never a time when anyone refused to hear what she had to say.

“I would like to be able to learn from each other because I respect you, but I see the world differently.”

This language is effective because it lets your family know that while you may disagree with them, you intend to have a respectful discussion and genuinely want to better understand where they’re coming from, Parker says. However, it is important to mean what you say. If you don’t want to learn from your relatives or have a relationship with them, that’s fine, but in such cases it’s usually better not to interact. If you decide to proceed, aim to have one-on-one conversations—confidentiality makes conversations more constructive—and remember that good things don’t happen overnight. “One conversation is unlikely to lead to significant change,” says Parker, but over time it will be the start of further development.

“Perhaps we could return to this conversation when we both feel calmer.”

If you find that you and your family member are both on edge—perhaps your heart rate is racing or your chest is tightening—it’s time to step away. “As humans, when we feel pushed, we will resist,” Glover says. This almost guarantees that the conversation will lead to nothing good. Inviting you to come back to it later: “You’re essentially letting go of a balloon that’s about to burst and saying, ‘Let’s take a break from this.’ “I’ll regret it later,” Glover adds.

Read more: How to Survive Election Season Without Losing Your Mind

“I mean, I will vote for any candidate who will stimulate the economy, lower my taxes and… prosecute people who take their shoes off on airplanes.”

Sometimes humor is the best tool to de-escalate heated situations. That’s why a simple comedy technique called a “comic threesome” can work well, says Paul Osincup, comedian and author Humorous habit. The idea is to list three things: the first two should be obvious or mundane, and the third should be funny or surprising. Using this technique, “you gently redirect the conversation to a lighter topic: pet peeves,” he says. Your family members will likely start laughing and exclaim, “I know, this is so disgusting!” Or, Osincup adds, they could tick off pet peeves that they would eliminate if they became president. “When everyone gets the joke, they feel more connected,” he says. “Shared laughter is compassion in action.”

“I’ll just be glad when all the election commercials are over – they’re just ridiculous!”

Here’s another way to make your family smile. Describe what a political attack against you (or one of them) might sound like, suggests Osincup: “Kyle says he’d make a better VP of accounting, but he still spends $8 a day at Starbucks. Would you trust Cappuccino Kyle with your money?” “You’re making fun of a fairly universal experience—not liking political advertising—and then redirecting the humor at yourself,” Osincup says. He recommends giving yourself a nickname (preferably with alliteration) and delivering your ad in a loud, dramatic voice.

“It looks like the Cowboys can beat the Eagles this year.”

When things go south at one of Glover’s family gatherings, she redirects to a topic that has the same energy but seems much safer: sports. After all, it’s more fun to argue about football teams than political parties. And remember: if your family member won’t allow the election and is determined to get into a fight, you don’t have to participate. “Some people will continue to create environments that are not healthy, and that will impair your judgment,” she says. “Take control of what you can and realize that sometimes there is nothing you can do but get out of the situation.”