Never ask your freshman this on Thanksgiving.

As Thanksgiving approaches, many parents are looking forward to their college freshman returning home for the first long break since starting their new adventure. It’s natural to want to keep up with news about classes, friends, and student life. However, as a parent coach, I’ve seen time and again how a single well-meaning question can unintentionally ruin the holiday spirit.

“How are things at school?” – “loaded question”

At first glance, the question “How are things at school?” seems harmless. However, a first-year student may feel burdened with expectations and pressure. Adjusting to college is a big transition, and they may be struggling with homesickness, academic challenges, or the realities of independent living.

Take Ryan for example. He had always been an excellent student in high school, but his first semester of college was a whirlwind of demanding coursework and social adjustment. When his father casually asked, “How was school?” During Thanksgiving dinner, Ryan felt embarrassed. He didn’t tell his parents about the C he got in midterm or how much he struggled to find his footing.

Similarly, Mia, a freshman at a large public university, was overwhelmed by her parents’ questions about her grades and whether she had joined any clubs. For her, these questions were less curiosity than judgment, although that was not their intention.

Why These Questions Can Backfire

College is often romanticized as “the best years of your life,” but the reality for many freshmen is more nuanced. Research shows that first-year college students often experience anxiety and self-doubt when navigating new academic, social, and personal responsibilities. Asking general or overly evaluative questions such as “How is school?” or “Do you have many friends?” may unintentionally highlight their lack of self-confidence.

Even if your child is thriving, he may need to share more information. Thanksgiving should be a time for fellowship, not interviews.

What to ask instead

If you’re interested in hearing about their experiences, try asking questions that invite conversation without making them feel like they’re being watched:

“What is the most interesting thing you learned?”
This open-ended question allows them to focus on what they care about rather than their grades or difficulties.

“What did you not expect from student life?”
This gives them the opportunity to share an unexpected or funny observation, creating an easy, light-hearted dialogue.

“What have you enjoyed doing for yourself lately?”
This subtly encourages them to think about self-care and independence without sounding like a lecture.

Focus on connection, not productivity

Thanksgiving is a great opportunity to create a welcoming atmosphere. Here are some tips for parents on how to make the most of this time:

Be curious without pressure
Instead of asking about grades, ask about their favorite professor, their new favorite cafe on campus, or the most unusual tradition they’ve encountered.

Create a safe space for sharing
Your child may have experiences that he is hesitant to discuss, such as academic failures or social problems. Make it clear that you are willing to listen without judgment if they want to open up.

Balance college conversations with other topics
Remember, your child’s life is not just about college. Ask about their favorite new Netflix series, their thoughts on family traditions, or what Thanksgiving dish they missed the most.

Celebrate your independence
Instead of focusing on results, recognize their efforts in this important life transition. Compliments like, “I’m proud of the way you handle everything” can go a long way.

Examples of healthy conversations

When Louise came home for Thanksgiving, her mother avoided asking about school. Instead, she said, “I bet you have a whole new appreciation for home-cooked food!” Louise laughed and told stories about the food in the hostel and how she started learning how to cook simple meals.

Chris’s first semester was difficult academically, but his parents did not interfere. Instead, his father said, “It must be nice to take a break from studying for a few days. What has been the most surprising thing about college so far?” Chris told how he joined a climbing club, which helped his father see the positives amidst the difficulties.

Final Thoughts

Thanksgiving is not the time to evaluate your child’s progress; it’s time to celebrate their presence. Avoiding questions that may seem like a performance assessment and focusing on networking will help your college freshman feel truly at home.

As a parent, your interest in your child’s life is very important to him, but it all depends on how you express it. This Thanksgiving, choosing curiosity and connection over questioning is the best recipe for gratitude and togetherness.